Tuesday, February 1, 2011


It's funny how deeply our habits and rituals influence us, leave their intaglios on the shore of our lives. I always look to the fresh start, the new day, the beginning. Inspiration comes in a rush of knowing that the horizon will be different tomorrow, or Monday, or in the new year. I'm always prepared to shuck off the old and bring in the new in the name of innovation and progress. It's the way that I feel renewed and phoenix-like in my rebirth.
Sadly, I'm not as good as continuing on the enlightened path, and the brave new world seems to fizzle and morph back into the bemoaned one of yesterday. It's difficult to make new habits, carve new pathways, and believe you can live in the brigher light. But I feel like the last few years of tectonic shift have finally led to a breakthrough. The light is coming through, the clouds are clearing. I've developed a newfound appreciation for my family, for my health and body, and for love. I think that my engagement was the first step to a lot of this release. Love makes you vulnerable and strong enough to face yourself , and allows you to begin to peel back all of the layers that have kept you numb and safe from any real life experiences. It's funny, you can travel, you can have a child, you can have so many amazing friends and lead this whirwind social life and still be completely cut off and barely conscious. I think after my pregnancy I annihilated my sensitivities, I ate drank and smoked them away, I used anyone who seemed intruiging to distract me from the depth of my sorrow and to shield my from the requisite pain of living. Anything to relax and be cool and shrug off the stress. And it was some stressful, make no mistake. It was a heap of troubles. And I think I bought into the idea that ironclad strength was to be valued above anything; that armoring my body and soul, keeping them cloaked in layers of impermeability, was the only way to succeed. I lost so much of my soul along the way, so much of my passion. But lost is the wrong word--it's never lost, it's just out of touch, buried inside, beneath all of the rubble of the massive destruction you've waged against your own life.
So now I'm an archeologist, and it's compelling and exhausting :) I don't believe there's anything as vital as unearthing your true self. That has to be part of the reason we are here, anyway. I love Abraham-Hicks (google it) because it's beautiful to believe that we really do create our reality by knowing what our pure desires are and using them as springboards into possibility--endless possibility. Thailand taught me that nothing is impossible. So many miracles occured there, on so many levels. I know that all I must to is release what I do not want and call what I do want to me, to my soul. I did it with love and now I must to it with life. Nothing is too much or too hard or too far. Nothing is out of reach.

A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?